Since beginning almost two years ago, Jay Bilotta ‘25 published his first book on Sept. 13: “Heartsick.” A 72-page collection of poems, “Heartsick” is an outlet for Bilotta to express himself and, ultimately, it is a way to help others cope with their mental health. 

“‘Heartsick’ is about not only trying to exist just as a teenager but also being an LGBTQ teenager in this day and age,” Bilotta said. “It’s about going to high school and still trying to love and exist and just be who I am without trying to impress other people. Just because I seem happy, [and] things are good, doesn’t mean it always is.”

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), almost one-third of students experience “poor mental health,” where groups such as LGBTQ+ students are more likely to consider suicide. Bilotta hopes to reach out to these groups of students through “Heartsick.”

“There are people who need to read it,” Bilotta said. “My words could potentially help them know 

they’re not alone and that they could get help. Even if you are disabled or part of the LGBTQ community or anything, there are still people who will be out there, and they’ll still love you.”

Bilotta started writing poems featured in “Heartsick” at the beginning of his sophomore year, he said. Then, in February of this year, he began to compile the poems together and eventually finished the final draft in July. 

“I started writing poetry as a way to help with my mental health because it just kind of came naturally to me, and writing stories didn’t,” Bilotta said. “When it wasn’t just for helping my mental health, it also was a way to express myself because I couldn’t write music or write stories. Poetry is one of the freest things that you can do. There’s no restrictions.” 

“Heartsick” is currently available online at the Barnes & Noble website and on Amazon both in paperback and ebook versions, Bilotta said. Through self-publishing services such as Kindle Direct Publishing and Barnes & Noble Press, Bilotta decided to publish “Heartsick” as a means of sharing his story.

“It’s a very personal book,” Bilotta said. “Everything in there is the truth. Some of it was written when I was in the best headspace I could be, and some of it was written when I was doing the worst I’ve ever been. It’s very vulnerable.”

Since “Heartsick” deals with heavier topics, Bilotta initially recommended it to be read by people aged 13 and older, he said. 

“Honestly, anyone can read this book,” Bilotta said. “I think I mostly wrote it for high schoolers and young adults, but truly, I think the book could be good for anyone. It doesn’t matter who you are, but there is help out there, and there is hope. The intended audience is people who feel like they don’t have a place, people who need that reassurance that there is somebody there, there is somebody who hears them, who has a similar experience, who can be there and just give that temporary safe space for someone.”

Divided into four parts: Love, Heartbreak, Pride, and Pain, the poetry for each part is supposed to invoke different emotions from the reader, Bilotta said. These parts are not ordered but are instead categories that each poem falls into.

“This book is a piece of me, and writing it is like giving that piece of me to every person who reads it,” Bilotta said. “As you’re writing these poems, it’s puzzle pieces, and it’s small things that just even if it doesn’t make sense in the moment, it really does just all come together. If you’re reading Love, I want you to feel happy; I want you to be hopeful. If you’re reading Heartbreak or Pain, I want you to be sad. I want you to know that there are people if you’re struggling. If you’re reading Pride, I want you to feel proud. I want you to be able to relate, and be loud, and care about yourself and what you care about, it all depends. It doesn’t matter who you are; you will struggle, but there is help out there, and there is hope.”

Before writing the book, Bilotta first shared his poetry on Instagram through the pen name Percival Valentine, which “Heartsick” is credited to, he said. Percival was a character Bilotta played in the LT radio play, “A Christmas Carol,” while the surname, Valentine, originated from an idea by a friend of Bilotta.

“Knowing that there are potentially people I know who don’t know the book is from me is kind of stressful, but also, it’s a little bit freeing,” Bilotta said. “I can write stuff where people don’t know that it’s me, and it’s safe. My favorite part is probably the fact that this is the most vulnerable I have ever been because a lot of the people who are going to read the book are people who don’t know a lot of the stuff in the book.”

Inspired by the novel “I Fell in Love with Hope” by Lancali, which explores the topic of overcoming grief, Bilotta emulates the author’s style in some parts of “Heartsick.”

“I use and think about quotes from other writers a lot,” Bilotta said. “I just hope that maybe one day quotes in my book will be used or thought about by other readers.” 

While in the writing process, Bilotta shared his poetry to teacher Dyana VanWyngaarden through email. 

“I enjoyed reading Jay’s poems,” VanWyngaarden said. “I think [his] writing is dynamic as well as expressive and thought-provoking. Many of Jay’s poems convey complex emotions and ideas while also leaving me as the reader reflecting and wondering so much.”

With plans for more books in the future, Bilotta currently aims to work with a larger press to get “Heartsick” in stores and more widely promoted.

“Just do it,” Bilotta said. “Be loud. Don’t worry about it, which sounds like such a big thing for something like this, [but] the people who matter to you won’t care how it is, they’ll just be proud of you. There was a period of time after I started sharing that there was a book coming where I felt almost obligated to show people some of my poems when really I still was terrified. I still am terrified. While writing, I wasn’t in the best head space, and having to go back and revise those was a little bit difficult.”