Early this summer, a war like no other is expected to take place. The two biggest threats in the area will battle against each other in this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Community members are getting ready for the face-off between the 17- and 13-year cicadas versus the cockroaches of LT. 

This battle hasn’t been fought since 1803, and both sides have begun making preparations. 

“The cockroaches have taken over both the SC and NC girl’s locker rooms,” the girl’s locker room attendant said. “Both the showers and sinks have cockroaches coming out of the drains.”

The cockroaches are suspected to be using the locker room as a base camp.

“I can neither confirm nor deny what goes on in the locker room,” King Cockroach said. “That is a private matter that should not be speculated upon.”

The cicadas haven’t given any updates as to their whereabouts since they last emerged in the summer of 2006. Parents on the LT parent’s Facebook page are quite concerned about how this will affect final exams and other end-of-year events.

“What is going to happen at graduation? My child is so distracted by the war songs coming out of the locker room,” Sue Smith said. “I brought a protective suit so I can see my daughter walk across the stage no matter the conditions.”

The LT administration had tried to ease parents’ concerns by calling them “water bugs” instead of cockroaches. LT Boosters have added shields to their website in hopes of raising extra funds for the damage that is bound to happen. 

“The shields are selling fast,” The director of Student Activities Pickles Getus said. “This is a great way to both protect community members from the cockroaches and cicadas and plan for the future of the school.”

Students are worried about the effect the constant fighting will have on their academics. 

“I can’t pass through a doorway without fear,” Timmy Chalet ‘25 said. “The cockroaches are bribing us to fight on their behalf.”

The cicadas are quite confident about their chance of beating the cockroaches, despite the unfamiliar territory. 

“We haven’t done this in a few hundred years,” Queen Cicada said. “We have the community scared, which was our first goal. I expect only progress from here.”

The war will break out any day. Community members are advised to stay indoors and use protective shields when outdoors.